Justice

I don't even know what to say.

I waited 2 years for these words, but lying in front of me, the screen looks dull, somehow.

I did everything I could to move on, and every time I think I have, my phone buzzes and I see your number. I deleted you so long ago but I always know when it's you. It's almost like you left me alone too long and it's time to stirr me up again. Like I seem too happy and it's time to show your disgusting face once more. This isn't the face, the voice, the name of the person I met all those years ago. This is a manipulative, callous, indulgent, vain, thoughtless, disrespectful, deceitful, possessive, insecure, arrogant, greedy, jealous, selfish, destructive, ass-licking, cum-dumping, body-invading, tube-with-which-one-douches-- who, quite frankly, will never know anything better than his slutty girls with daddy issues who are only with him because they need someone, ANYONE, to love them.

The feeling is like dry ice using my stomach as a trampoline, and my mouth is dry. Dry, just like always, when words hide under my tongue. Acid is burning through my stomach lining, slowly sinking, making its way to the part of me that he made his... with a fucking dog tag. The part of me he took because he deluded himself into believing he was entitled to it. That his urge superceded my right to my own skin.

I was afraid you'd leave if I was honest with you. With myself.
I imagined every possible scenario where you were met with chaos. And I'm not talking about losing your phone or a broken arm. I'm talking about libraries on fire in the desert. Earthquakes in glass shops. Getting drowned by your mother's tears. Tsunamis. Tornados. Disease. Dehydration. Radiation. Starvation. Amputation. Alienation. Castration. I imagined all of these things happening at once right in front of you, because they are. They are happening all at once, right in front of you. You just don't have to balls to look me in the eye and see it.

But nothing prepared me for this.

Nothing could.

So, ladies and gentlemen, that text you are waiting for- that sweet, sweet justice you have been dreaming about- when it arrives, it will not compensate for everything that happened. Everything they did to you. All the time you wasted.

So, from one basket case to another, just be happy. People do shitty things, they make empty promises to get their way, and they lie. And you will want to die. You will feel a sharp pain simultaneously in your head in your heart as though someone cracked an iron whip against it, and you won't know which one started bleeding first. You will wake up on the floor with no memory of the tantrum that brought you to your knees in the first place. You will feel like a carpet was yanked out from beneath you when you thought all was well and the room will spin like... silk. And even after that, more pain will come.

But as long as you take a deep breath, get up off the floor and start walking again, they don't win. As long as you make the choice to live another day and bare your face to the world, they don't win. As long as you can get home at night, look yourself in the face and see a human being who deserves better, they don't win. As long as you let it buzz, they don't win.

Let them send all the texts they want.